I had to do this:
- Remove the CMOS battery.
- Unplug the laptop battery and wait for 60 seconds.
- Reinstall the CMOS battery.
- Plug the laptop battery back in.
- Attach AC power and let it charge overnight.
This sort of resets everything and gives the rechargeable CMOS battery time to get back up to 3+ volts. The whole problem here was that if the CMOS battery voltage drops low enough, it won’t recharge, regardless of the laptop’s battery level and/or AC adapter being plugged in. Why they don’t just use a standard CR2032 CMOS battery, I don’t know…